Does anyone have trouble getting their kids bathed on a regular basis? Ethan tends to get about 4 showers or baths over the weekend and none during the week. He got a bath Saturday night, had an accident that night, so he got another one Sunday morning. We went to the RAC Sunday afternoon, so he took another shower after being in the pool. Monday nights the boys do wrestling, so he took one after that. Tuesday nights we are at gymnastics until late for Sydney, Wednesday night is AWANA, Thursday night he had to go to bed early for whiny, tired behavior, and by Friday I think, well he'll have one tomorrow anyway. We like to cluster them up on the weekend.
Last night Ethan took the first of his many weekend baths. He either didn't have a bathtub, or wasn't allowed to take baths with his biological mom, so he loves to take baths. He plays with bath toys for hours in there. It is pretty cute. (Not exactly 8 year-old behavior, but we're hitting those early stages that he missed.) Last night we had just returned from a day of snowboarding. I had 25 minutes to make dinner, unload snowboarding gear, check the mail, fill out some forms that needed to be returned in the mail ASAP, finish printing Devon's lost spelling words off the computer, wash dirty dishes in the sink, and all the other mothering things I do when I have a few minutes when dinner is in the oven. I had four kids to shower or bath between Saturday night and Sunday morning, so I had Ethan choose a bath or shower. He chose a bath...as usual. In the midst of the chaos, I didn't get in the bathroom to check on him soon enough. When I came in he was already climbing out of the tub, with dry, unwashed hair. He assured me that he had washed it. (I said he was a liar, just not a very good one.)
As I came in the bathroom I noticed a very heavy aroma of my perfume in the air. It was VERY strong. I asked Ethan where he had sprayed my perfume...my eyes are currently roaming the room with questions....On his hair? On his body? On his clothes? Just in the air? On the towels? On the counter? By the toilet? Where, where, where? How many things am I going to have to wash? Ethan, of course, has no idea what I'm talking about. "I didn't spray any perfume. What's perfume? I don't know. It wasn't me. I didn't do anything. I didn't spray anything." Thankfully I know my son's bad habit of lying, especially when the fear of getting in trouble is imminent.
So I asked him again where he sprayed mommy's perfume because I know he sprayed it and Jesus doesn't like it when we lie. It is important to tell the truth. He pointed at the mirror and said, "I cleaned the mirror with it!" I turned my head, and sure enough...that's what he did. The little beads of moisture were all over the mirror. I asked him how many times he sprayed the perfume and he said, "I think once, or twice or three or something." So I now know that he sprayed it at least 8 times. So I calmly explained what perfume is and that it is NOT for cleaning the mirror. I also said, I realize you may not have known what it was, but you knew that it was not for cleaning the mirror...right Ethan? He nods yes. So after putting him back in the tub to wash his hair, he is instructed to wash the mirror before dinner.
I then announced to the family that now is a great time to take care of any business they might need to take care of in the bathroom because it is currently smelling so good. After dinner, I went in the bathroom to see that Ethan did clean the mirror as asked. He did it! He left the Windex and paper towels on the counter, his towel and clothes on the floor, the shower curtain open, 20 bathtub toys in the tub, the toilet seat up and unflushed, and the lightand fan on, but he did clean the mirror, so I have nothing to complain about...right? And as I cleaned up his mess, I enjoyed the smell of my perfume.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
California for Thanksgiving
We made our every other year trip to Laguna Beach over Thanksgiving again this year. This year was special because it was our first time there as a family of six. Our trip was filled with many firsts for Devon and Ethan. A plane ride, a new state, the ocean, Disneyland, seeing where Uncle Dan lives, etc. I cannot express how well our trip went. It was WONDERFUL! The boys do have anxiety, but it seems to come out in anticipation of big events. The week before we went was hard for them. The day before we went was REALLY crazy! We saw lots of behaviors and built up excitment that couldn't get out without yelling at someone or breaking things. By Friday night when we finally got the kids to bed, our eyes were wide and Greg and I looked at each other and said, "What have we gotten outselves into?"
In anticipation of some fears, we planned a later in the day flight, so that we didn't also have to worry about getting up early and remembering everything we needed. We didn't have to leave the house until noon, so we had time to get up, relax, eat and finish packing last minute things. This seemed to help enormously! I was the most worried about going through security at the airport. I was envisioning Ethan saying something inappropriate and security seperating him from us to seach him. They were so good! We talked about being quite, walked them verbally through each step we would take and how long it would take. We had zero problems. They were very well behaved from that morning to the end of our trip.
We rented a house while we were there. It was gorgous and perfect. Two stories and the walls facing the ocean were floor to ceiling glass. We had a great view of the ocean, even though we were a couple of blocks away. In the past we have staying in a dumpy hotel because we don't stay in the room much. We were very thankful for a house for this trip. Just being able to cook at the house was huge. We could also watch TV after the kids went to bed because they weren't in the same room as us. My mom came along and stayed with us too. She was a huge help.
On Sunday morning we got up at 5am due to the 2 hour time change. We all got up and walked down to the beach. Devon had his camera and was acting like a Japanese tourist, snapping pictures of everything he saw. Ethan decided that palm trees are his favorite kinds of trees. We saw an orange tree on the way too, which was too cool. That first hour at the beach was something I will never forget. I couldn't stop smiling. Devon was a little bit apprehensive about touching the ocean water with his toes, but once he did, there was no stopping him. We rolled up pant legs and they were allowed to go up to their ankles. The surf was pretty big and we always worry about that undercurrent. Why we bothered to roll up their pants I'm not sure. All four were soaked within minutes. They were running in the sand, and jumping the waves. When the waves went out, they would chase them, only to run back to safety when they came crashing up on the shore again. We got some great pictures and videos. It was one of those moments when I'm so greatful for the squeals and laughs of children. I was so glad that we could give Devon and Ethan that opportunity. I'm not about stuff, but I really value the gift of experience. It was a time, when their minds were not on their fears and hurts, but they were living in and loving the moment. That isn't something they freely do very often. It was an amazing morning.
Another highlight was Disneyland. Due to their special needs, we qualified for a special needs pass. We got to do the "Fast Pass" entrance for every ride, which means that while other waited for an hour or more for a ride, we pretty much walked on the ride. At first we were feeling guilty when we went right to the ride, but then we hit Space Mountain. The ride broke down, so we had to wait about 20 minutes. Ethan did not handle it very well. He was kicking his siblings, pushing in front of other people, yelling and could not sit, or stand still. We then realized that if we had to wait in line with him on the other rides, that our day would not have gone so well. Our guilt diminished greatly. It was a long, but thrilling day. We even got to eat at Uncle Dan's restaurant. We had the best server in the whole place.
We visited the Aquarium on the Pacific and did a Whale watching tour where we saw lots of dolphins and sea lions up close. We spent the rest of our time at the beach. After carting down all the stuff you need at the beach, we had endless hours of fun. Hiking, watching tide pools, building sand castles, jumping waves, building damns in the rocky inlets, chasing birds, playing catch, sleeping, talking, and bonding as a family. Uncle Dan brought his sea Kyak down on Thanksgiving and Greg took all the kids out on it. Josiah and him even saw a whale while they were out. Unfortunately when him and I tried to take the one man kyak out, a wave took us out in only 3 feet of water. It was ugly. We came up laughing though.
On Thanksgiving, Uncle Dan was playing football on the beach with Ethan. He would chase him around, not quite catching him, while Ethan ran, and held up the back of his swimsuit because he couldn't get that string quite tight enough and his suit would fall down a little too far in the back. It was so cute. Dan made a huge Thanksgiving, it was awesome! My cousing Marit and her boyfriend Kim came for Thanksgiving. It was great to see them again. I saw them in October in Maine, but will miss them for Christmas this year. I only have 6 cousins, so we are pretty close with them. Marit is from Rochester, but has been living in San Diego for the last two years. We left the table feeling happy and fat...isn't that what Thanksgiving is all about?
On our last day, we got to drive out into the desert to visit Greg's cousin Shannon and her husband Greg, who live about 90 minutes away from Laguna. The kids were excited to see the mountains in the desert and just how different the landscape is from home. We had a nice time visiting with family that I hadn't seen in years. We even saw a hang glider on the way back again. We flew out on the red-eye that night and even that went smoothly.
Thankfully the days leading up to our trip were not a foreshadowing of things to come. I am feeling so blessed to have 4 great kids. I am overwhelmed with gratitude that we could afford such a wonderful trip! I know my kids will remember it forever. I'm so glad that the boys could relax and enjoy some great family time.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
I figured it out!
We are leaving for California in 2 days. Ethan is not doing well. He is really scared. He has been wetting a lot, which is somewhat unusual. It's clues like these that help us see how regulated or dysregulated he is. I know he's anxious, and we're trying to give them all the information that we can to help them not be scared.
This morning I told him that we would keep him safe in California and that mommy and daddy would be with him the whole time to keep him safe. Then he said it..."My real dad is in jail in California."
Oh, it never occured to me that, that would scare him. He doesn't know his biological dad, but he does know he's in California. He was in prison for something, we don't know what. Devon's last memory of him is a big fight with his biological mom and a knife. So Devon tells everyone that he tried to kill them. He has also been convicted of sexual misconduct with a minor child under the age of 14. His conviction is not related to the boys. He may have perpetrated on them, but it has not been proven.
No wonder the kid is scared out of his mind and wetting himself...I would too.
I assured him that he will never find Ethan. He is in jail and can't get out and we will NOT visit him. He will never find us in 1 000 000 people and he doesn't know we are coming. He also doesn't know Ethan's new last name, so we will be safe. Mommy and daddy will NEVER let him come near him or hurt him ever again. I was very firm about that. He gave me a hug and went out the door skipping.
Could the solution be that simple? Poor kid. We'll keep reassuring him. Now I'm kicking myself for not thinking of that sooner.
This morning I told him that we would keep him safe in California and that mommy and daddy would be with him the whole time to keep him safe. Then he said it..."My real dad is in jail in California."
Oh, it never occured to me that, that would scare him. He doesn't know his biological dad, but he does know he's in California. He was in prison for something, we don't know what. Devon's last memory of him is a big fight with his biological mom and a knife. So Devon tells everyone that he tried to kill them. He has also been convicted of sexual misconduct with a minor child under the age of 14. His conviction is not related to the boys. He may have perpetrated on them, but it has not been proven.
No wonder the kid is scared out of his mind and wetting himself...I would too.
I assured him that he will never find Ethan. He is in jail and can't get out and we will NOT visit him. He will never find us in 1 000 000 people and he doesn't know we are coming. He also doesn't know Ethan's new last name, so we will be safe. Mommy and daddy will NEVER let him come near him or hurt him ever again. I was very firm about that. He gave me a hug and went out the door skipping.
Could the solution be that simple? Poor kid. We'll keep reassuring him. Now I'm kicking myself for not thinking of that sooner.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Probable Aspergers
According to Wikipedia, Asperger syndrome is an autism spectrum disorder, and people with it therefore show significant difficulties in social interaction, along with restricted and repetitive patterns of behavior and interests. It differs from other autism spectrum disorders by its relative preservation of linguistic and cognitive development. Although not required for diagnosis, physical clumsiness and atypical use of language are frequently reported.[1][2]
About a week ago, our therapist gently asked me if I had considered Aspergers as an illness that Devon might be suffering from. I replied that I would not be surprised at all actually. I have worked with kids with both Autism and Aspergers in my teaching career, so I have a general idea of what it can look like. If you have met Devon, you will understand. He has always been on the socially awkward side and has many idiosyncrasies. We have always thought they were issues because he had not learned appropriate social skills in his birth home. He has the repetitive mannerisms, but these we also contributed to nervous habits he developed to help cope with abuse, neglect and trauma.
I mentioned this to our CTSS worker, who comes to our house once a week to help work on skills with the boys that will help them thrive in a home environment. She agreed and thought she had some information on it that she could bring me. Well...she came last night with the DSM's criteria for Aspergers.
In my mind Devon definately displays the symptoms of Aspergers on a regular basis. I'm not sure what to do with this information. I know the plan is to move forward to help him. It also explains many of his "odd" behaviors. It helps explain some of his social awkwardness and obsessions with certain topics..(currently it is blood, gore, death and killing) Maybe it will help us frame some of his behaviors as a symptom of yet another disability.
I am not a doctor and can't diagnose such a disability, but am planning on speaking with our psychiatrist about such a diagnosis at our next appointment. Or at least a plan of how to start the process. I suppose I will also start reading up on Aspergers and learning more about how to work with kids with this disorder. Even if he is not officially diagnosed, I may find some information that will help us work with him. We are already on track to make a visual schedule next week with our CTSS worker.
I am not a fan of all the fancy scientific words that are created to help describe some of my child's behaviors. But I am hopeful that these diagnosis will help us get him the help he needs. I must admit that the initial idea gives me a vision of a dim future. Will he be able to function on his own as an adult, will be handle college, will he ever marry, will he be able to hold onto a job? These are my big questions and goals for him. I suppose they are the same questions that every parent has for their children. I'm just sharing my initial fears.
About a week ago, our therapist gently asked me if I had considered Aspergers as an illness that Devon might be suffering from. I replied that I would not be surprised at all actually. I have worked with kids with both Autism and Aspergers in my teaching career, so I have a general idea of what it can look like. If you have met Devon, you will understand. He has always been on the socially awkward side and has many idiosyncrasies. We have always thought they were issues because he had not learned appropriate social skills in his birth home. He has the repetitive mannerisms, but these we also contributed to nervous habits he developed to help cope with abuse, neglect and trauma.
I mentioned this to our CTSS worker, who comes to our house once a week to help work on skills with the boys that will help them thrive in a home environment. She agreed and thought she had some information on it that she could bring me. Well...she came last night with the DSM's criteria for Aspergers.
In my mind Devon definately displays the symptoms of Aspergers on a regular basis. I'm not sure what to do with this information. I know the plan is to move forward to help him. It also explains many of his "odd" behaviors. It helps explain some of his social awkwardness and obsessions with certain topics..(currently it is blood, gore, death and killing) Maybe it will help us frame some of his behaviors as a symptom of yet another disability.
I am not a doctor and can't diagnose such a disability, but am planning on speaking with our psychiatrist about such a diagnosis at our next appointment. Or at least a plan of how to start the process. I suppose I will also start reading up on Aspergers and learning more about how to work with kids with this disorder. Even if he is not officially diagnosed, I may find some information that will help us work with him. We are already on track to make a visual schedule next week with our CTSS worker.
I am not a fan of all the fancy scientific words that are created to help describe some of my child's behaviors. But I am hopeful that these diagnosis will help us get him the help he needs. I must admit that the initial idea gives me a vision of a dim future. Will he be able to function on his own as an adult, will be handle college, will he ever marry, will he be able to hold onto a job? These are my big questions and goals for him. I suppose they are the same questions that every parent has for their children. I'm just sharing my initial fears.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
The Library
Devon is opening a library in his room. He is always looking for ways to make money, and he is sure a library is the way to go. Here are the rules so far: You can check out up to 10 books at a time for 1 month. If it is late, you have to pay 10 cents per day per book and if you wreck the book, you have to pay for it. He has also hired Sydney to help him with all the demands of a library. He is paying her 50% of all the profits.
Here are the pros:
It is inventive
He is thinking it through
He might actually make 50 cents off of Ethan
He is organizing his room
He is really excited about it
Here are the cons:
Devon's organization issues may prevent profits
There are limits to his book selections...the choices are Animorphs or old National Geographic Magazines
He may scare off potential clients with his rigid rules and unfriendly demeanor
Ethan is excitedly picking out books, and all the kids are donating books to his library. He is also planning on adding a movie section.
NEW NEWS:
Ethan is now opening an extention of the library, by renting out all my school books that are in his room. Although, the ones he doesn't like are still being donated to Devon's library.
Here are the pros:
It is inventive
He is thinking it through
He might actually make 50 cents off of Ethan
He is organizing his room
He is really excited about it
Here are the cons:
Devon's organization issues may prevent profits
There are limits to his book selections...the choices are Animorphs or old National Geographic Magazines
He may scare off potential clients with his rigid rules and unfriendly demeanor
Ethan is excitedly picking out books, and all the kids are donating books to his library. He is also planning on adding a movie section.
NEW NEWS:
Ethan is now opening an extention of the library, by renting out all my school books that are in his room. Although, the ones he doesn't like are still being donated to Devon's library.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Touching Moments...
Today is adoption eve. Ethan has been doing so good. He told me he is feeling half good and half bad about the adoption...which makes sense. I'm just thankful it's not all bad. When I wake up each kid in the morning, I try to bribe them to get out of bed my kissing them all over their sweet faces and necks. Then I tell them what to expect that day. I woke Ethan up that way and told him that today was the day I was coming to his class to bring cupcakes. Apparently this was not the good news I thought it was. We had come to terms with the idea of this over the weekend. (I bribed him with video games if he would let me come, plus he'd be so popular for bringing treats) Ethan just started screaming that he didn't want me to come, and he's too shy, and I can't come. He was not going to school today. I talked him into it again. I dressed him and coaxed him upstairs for breakfast. Everything was horrible and he hates everyone. Nothing was right in the world this morning.
Last night my younger brother Chris came over to play with the kids and for dinner. Devon is the only one who did any homework. We didn't even look in backpacks last night. Chris comes about once a year, so it's a treat when we get to see him. Homework was put on the back burner last night. This morning I looked in Ethan's backpack and found a thick manilla envelope. His homework was to see the attached envelope. I assumed it was a homework packet, or possibley forms to fill out about name change issues....I was wrong.
When I opened the package, it was a book for Ethan to celebrate his adoption. It was Max Lucado's "You are Special". I own this book, but had not thought to read it to him on this occasion. We sat together and looked at the book and read the first page, which read to Ethan, from Mr. Whiting on October 14, 2009 (adoption day) I am so glad you have a family that loves you. It calmed him right down. He got on the bus with his book, happy as a clam. It was what we needed to calm his fears today.
When I went to school he was thrilled to see me. He gave me a hug, and listened attentively to the story. He was happy to hand out cupcakes and sad to see me leave. Thank goodness for thoughtful gifts at the right time.
Last night my younger brother Chris came over to play with the kids and for dinner. Devon is the only one who did any homework. We didn't even look in backpacks last night. Chris comes about once a year, so it's a treat when we get to see him. Homework was put on the back burner last night. This morning I looked in Ethan's backpack and found a thick manilla envelope. His homework was to see the attached envelope. I assumed it was a homework packet, or possibley forms to fill out about name change issues....I was wrong.
When I opened the package, it was a book for Ethan to celebrate his adoption. It was Max Lucado's "You are Special". I own this book, but had not thought to read it to him on this occasion. We sat together and looked at the book and read the first page, which read to Ethan, from Mr. Whiting on October 14, 2009 (adoption day) I am so glad you have a family that loves you. It calmed him right down. He got on the bus with his book, happy as a clam. It was what we needed to calm his fears today.
When I went to school he was thrilled to see me. He gave me a hug, and listened attentively to the story. He was happy to hand out cupcakes and sad to see me leave. Thank goodness for thoughtful gifts at the right time.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Adoption Day Approaches
Our adoption day is scheduled for October 14, 2009 at 1:30 in the afternoon. This is such an exciting day. Greg and I are thrilled it is finally here. Hopefully this will help the boys feel more permanent and help to settle things down.
Ethan has been a wonderful little 4 year old lately. The defiant, screaming child has left for now, although I'm sure he will be back. He is cute and cuddley. He needs to go back and emotionally go through his earlier stages in life, so he wants me to carry him, he likes me to brush his teeth, his likes to swing from our hands. He likes to be sung to at night. It is back to 4 years old and the sweetness that I missed when he really was 4. Although at school he seems to be back to 8.
Devon is sailing along, but he internalizes things so much that it takes an event for things to come out. This morning his fist flew at my neighbor girl over something small. Thank goodness I realize this is not about that incident, but the building of a lot of emotions. Him and I sat and talked this morning before the bus came, with all the other kids outside. He is so pre-teen, and yet still needs so much. He has dropped his guard a couple times and calls me mommy and holds my hand when he gets scared. Which may sound immature, but is huge in his emotional development. He knows that we will keep him safe. He can depend on us and that is exciting to see.
I shared this morning with Ethan that even though we are adopting him as our own child, he will always love his birth mom. He is lucky to have two moms who love him so much. (He added 3 dads, and lots of grandmas and grandpas) I talked about when Josiah was born, that I loved him so much that I couldnt' imagine loving anyone else so much. But when Sydney was born I loved her too. And when Devon and Ethan came I had so much love in my heart that I loved them all. Four kids who I love so much. My heart is so big for all this love. His heart is big enough to love 2 moms too.
I think this helped. He finally agreed to let me bring cupcakes to school on Tuesday to celebrate this exciting day and to share a little bit with his class about adoption and what that means. He did tell me he was embarrassed, which is understandable. I told him we just wanted to share with the kids how lucky he is.
We will see what Devon thinks about treats for his class...
I am feeling so blessed this week with the wonder of adoption. What a gift. Even though there are long, hard days, Wednesday I will remember forever as a day that I am given such a huge gift. The gift of children. Even if their journey has been too hard and too long for any child to go through. I'm thankful to thier birth mom for giving me these two very special gifts.
Ethan has been a wonderful little 4 year old lately. The defiant, screaming child has left for now, although I'm sure he will be back. He is cute and cuddley. He needs to go back and emotionally go through his earlier stages in life, so he wants me to carry him, he likes me to brush his teeth, his likes to swing from our hands. He likes to be sung to at night. It is back to 4 years old and the sweetness that I missed when he really was 4. Although at school he seems to be back to 8.
Devon is sailing along, but he internalizes things so much that it takes an event for things to come out. This morning his fist flew at my neighbor girl over something small. Thank goodness I realize this is not about that incident, but the building of a lot of emotions. Him and I sat and talked this morning before the bus came, with all the other kids outside. He is so pre-teen, and yet still needs so much. He has dropped his guard a couple times and calls me mommy and holds my hand when he gets scared. Which may sound immature, but is huge in his emotional development. He knows that we will keep him safe. He can depend on us and that is exciting to see.
I shared this morning with Ethan that even though we are adopting him as our own child, he will always love his birth mom. He is lucky to have two moms who love him so much. (He added 3 dads, and lots of grandmas and grandpas) I talked about when Josiah was born, that I loved him so much that I couldnt' imagine loving anyone else so much. But when Sydney was born I loved her too. And when Devon and Ethan came I had so much love in my heart that I loved them all. Four kids who I love so much. My heart is so big for all this love. His heart is big enough to love 2 moms too.
I think this helped. He finally agreed to let me bring cupcakes to school on Tuesday to celebrate this exciting day and to share a little bit with his class about adoption and what that means. He did tell me he was embarrassed, which is understandable. I told him we just wanted to share with the kids how lucky he is.
We will see what Devon thinks about treats for his class...
I am feeling so blessed this week with the wonder of adoption. What a gift. Even though there are long, hard days, Wednesday I will remember forever as a day that I am given such a huge gift. The gift of children. Even if their journey has been too hard and too long for any child to go through. I'm thankful to thier birth mom for giving me these two very special gifts.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
oh boy...
Yesterday morning we had a 5 minute battle about flushing the toilet. Ethan couldn't do it because he was itchy. Then while waiting for the bus he dumped a bucket of rain water on Josiah's head. 1 minute before the bus showed up. I love that moment when the bus pulls away with all four kids on it. :)
Thursday, September 17, 2009
4 weeks...
We are on week 4 on Ethan being "dis-regulated". This means he is constantly yelling, screaming, defiant, crying, throwing fits and refusing to do anything unless is hand is held. It also consists of one of two extremes with this bio. mom. He either loves her or hates her. Which he interprets as loving or hating us, because in his mind you can't love both. Yesterday he wanted his last name to be his bio. last name. Just until she forgets all about her. We assured him he would not forget her. Then he insisted that he would. He claimed that sometimes he forgets all about her, but he wants her last name until he does. This conversation continued for a full 5 minutes of going back and forth about whether he will forget her or not. We tried to change the subject several times before it worked. I know this is natural, and it's not about me, but it still breaks my heart everytime he tells me he doesn't love us and we don't love him. I know what he is saying is "I don't like me and I'm not loveable. My mom didn't even love me, why would anyone else." It is still hard not to take "I hate you" personally.
Yesterday we decided to keep him home from school. It was a mental health day. He needs some positive attention to hopefully help his regulation. He is not sleeping at night. He fights sleep, which is one of his basic needs. So he is disregualted and tired. Greg and I are at our wits end. It is too much. We can't give him enough love and attention. It feels like a bottomless pit. We hug him, hold him and spend time with him and he's still hard to be around. Yesterday was spent reading, fishing, dirt bike riding and one-on-one time. He seems a little bit better today.
Two years ago, during this season of the year, the boys were placed into foster care. 1 year after that they were told they would not ever live with their mom again. They then started the transition to our home. We think Ethan is afraid that he is going to be moved again. It is fall and his experiences of the last two years tell him that it is time to move. He is fighting attachment to us. Which is good news because it means he is attaching to us. Even though that is definately not what it feels like.
We are going to talk to his doctor about a possible medication change. We hate to say that. His moods go in phases. He'll be great for 4-6 weeks, and then a down turn for 4-6 weeks. It is crazy how you don't realize you're in the middle of a downward spin, until you are 4 weeks into it. Every minute of his days have been negative.
This is coupled with Devon's anxiety levels and pre-teen attitude issues. I ask him to do something and it's met with a snarl and snotty attitude. He is officially 12.
I also have 2 bio. kids. Josiah is doing great, he always is. Sydney spent the weekend at Grandma's house. She didn't want to come home. Because of those boys. Things are bad when your child doesn't want to be home. That was a huge red flag that things are not going well.
I miss loving my kids and being in awe of them. Last night we had dinner at Grandma's house before AWANA. Ethan was home with dad. Devon was on the phone with a friend, and I just watched Josiah and Sydney outside. They were adorable! Trying to get a ribbon over the branch of a tree. They were cooperating and being kind to each other. Watching out for each other. Sharing ideas. It was so sweet. Then Sydney started flying a kite, but running fast with only 5 feet of string. I'm missing things like this becasue I'm contantly dealing with tantruming and raging kids. I used to love being a mom, now I feel so stressed out that I'm not enjoying it.
I didn't cause my kids' raging and neither did they. I can't give up on them, and yet the temptation is there. I know that God has called us to do this. I know this is the right path, and yet we are struggling. I am thankful everyday for my friends and family who I can call crying and they lift me up by listening to my frustrations. They pray for me. They get it because they have gone through it and understand that this is a difficult road. Yet they know the commitment we have made. They are encouraging and they make me laugh. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. We will perservere through this journey. Keep the prayers coming our way, because we are in the midst of a really difficult phase.
Yesterday we decided to keep him home from school. It was a mental health day. He needs some positive attention to hopefully help his regulation. He is not sleeping at night. He fights sleep, which is one of his basic needs. So he is disregualted and tired. Greg and I are at our wits end. It is too much. We can't give him enough love and attention. It feels like a bottomless pit. We hug him, hold him and spend time with him and he's still hard to be around. Yesterday was spent reading, fishing, dirt bike riding and one-on-one time. He seems a little bit better today.
Two years ago, during this season of the year, the boys were placed into foster care. 1 year after that they were told they would not ever live with their mom again. They then started the transition to our home. We think Ethan is afraid that he is going to be moved again. It is fall and his experiences of the last two years tell him that it is time to move. He is fighting attachment to us. Which is good news because it means he is attaching to us. Even though that is definately not what it feels like.
We are going to talk to his doctor about a possible medication change. We hate to say that. His moods go in phases. He'll be great for 4-6 weeks, and then a down turn for 4-6 weeks. It is crazy how you don't realize you're in the middle of a downward spin, until you are 4 weeks into it. Every minute of his days have been negative.
This is coupled with Devon's anxiety levels and pre-teen attitude issues. I ask him to do something and it's met with a snarl and snotty attitude. He is officially 12.
I also have 2 bio. kids. Josiah is doing great, he always is. Sydney spent the weekend at Grandma's house. She didn't want to come home. Because of those boys. Things are bad when your child doesn't want to be home. That was a huge red flag that things are not going well.
I miss loving my kids and being in awe of them. Last night we had dinner at Grandma's house before AWANA. Ethan was home with dad. Devon was on the phone with a friend, and I just watched Josiah and Sydney outside. They were adorable! Trying to get a ribbon over the branch of a tree. They were cooperating and being kind to each other. Watching out for each other. Sharing ideas. It was so sweet. Then Sydney started flying a kite, but running fast with only 5 feet of string. I'm missing things like this becasue I'm contantly dealing with tantruming and raging kids. I used to love being a mom, now I feel so stressed out that I'm not enjoying it.
I didn't cause my kids' raging and neither did they. I can't give up on them, and yet the temptation is there. I know that God has called us to do this. I know this is the right path, and yet we are struggling. I am thankful everyday for my friends and family who I can call crying and they lift me up by listening to my frustrations. They pray for me. They get it because they have gone through it and understand that this is a difficult road. Yet they know the commitment we have made. They are encouraging and they make me laugh. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. We will perservere through this journey. Keep the prayers coming our way, because we are in the midst of a really difficult phase.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
3 year old trapped in an 8 year old body
I have a 3 year old stuck in the body of a 8 1/2 year old. For the past two weeks Ethan has mostly been at the emotional age of a 3 year old. You must understand that he didn't get to be a normal 3 year old. His basic needs were not met when he was 3. So his behavior recesses back to when he was 3, so that hopefully those needs can be met now.
He talks like a 3 year old. He does not know how to get dressed. He cheats at all games. He steals from family members and strangers. He needs help getting his food. I dish it up and cut it up into bite size pieces. He needs lots of cuddling and words of reassurance. He is not capable of play dates and sleep overs for now, even though he wants them. He has accidents, like many 2 and 3 year olds who are learning to potty train. He holds hands, and hangs on my arm. He constantly lies. He calls us mommy and daddy. He loves to play with toys in the bathtub. He is defiant. He loves to play make-believe with figures. He gets so tired that he needs a nap. He cries. Sound like a 3 year old? I agree.
However, mixed with 3 are moments of 8 1/2. He can go to school, read like a 3rd grader, he is amazing with his math skills. He can count money and change quickly. He can tell time to the minute and tell you elapsed time. He is starting to mulitply and divide and knows addition and subtraction facts quickly. He can ride his dirt bike and take jumps. He can play games that are difficult for some adults. He has amazing Chess skills. He can plan out moves ahead of time and see many things going on in the game. He frequently beats us and his older brothers. (Even without cheating.)
So in the midst of all this, we need to parent him. It is hard to tell when he is 8 and when he is 3 because it fluxtuates. Sometimes he needs help to put shoes on, and 10 minutes later he is quite capable of doing it himself and is insulted that we tried to help.
Last night he decided that he didn't want to go to sleep. When we went and checked on him 2 hours after putting him to bed, he was sitting up playing Knex. We should have checked earlier, but one of the side effects of one his medications is a serious sedative. Normally he cannot keep his eyes open 45 min to 1 hour after he takes his meds. So we rarely have problems with him going to sleep. The PS2 was also on this morning. He was up and playing it in the middle of the night.
Has anyone dealt with a tired 3 year old? That was how our morning went. Crying and unreasonable all morning. I can't get dressed, I can't eat, I can't brush my teeth, I can't stand up, please carry me. I can't find my socks. I can't get my shoes on. I can't tie my shoes. I can't find a sweatshirt. He was also upset about wearing a pull-up. It sounds mean to put my 8 year old in a pull up for school. But when he regresses to 3 throughout the day, he has accidents. But when he's 8, he's embarrassed. Hopefully his classmates do not notice, but they might. I feel guilty and yet know it's necessary for now. We went through this last year and he was having several accidents at school too.
Last night Greg asked him if he wanted to talk about his birth mom because we know he's been missing her lately. We got a very different response last night, than we did last week. He covered his ears, and screamed that he does not want to talk about her. He doesn't want to hear about her. Please don't say her name Daddy, please daddy stop. I'm not thinking about her and I don't want to think about her. Please stop daddy.
This is why we do this. This little boy is hurting so much. He needs us, even though he tests us all day long. This is hard for us as parents, but it is not nearly as hard as his short life has been. We do not know exactly what happened to him during those first 6 years, but they were not good. Please pray for us to remember that this little boy is acting out because he is hurt and scared. Pray for Ethan that he can cope with all his hurt, fear and pain.
He talks like a 3 year old. He does not know how to get dressed. He cheats at all games. He steals from family members and strangers. He needs help getting his food. I dish it up and cut it up into bite size pieces. He needs lots of cuddling and words of reassurance. He is not capable of play dates and sleep overs for now, even though he wants them. He has accidents, like many 2 and 3 year olds who are learning to potty train. He holds hands, and hangs on my arm. He constantly lies. He calls us mommy and daddy. He loves to play with toys in the bathtub. He is defiant. He loves to play make-believe with figures. He gets so tired that he needs a nap. He cries. Sound like a 3 year old? I agree.
However, mixed with 3 are moments of 8 1/2. He can go to school, read like a 3rd grader, he is amazing with his math skills. He can count money and change quickly. He can tell time to the minute and tell you elapsed time. He is starting to mulitply and divide and knows addition and subtraction facts quickly. He can ride his dirt bike and take jumps. He can play games that are difficult for some adults. He has amazing Chess skills. He can plan out moves ahead of time and see many things going on in the game. He frequently beats us and his older brothers. (Even without cheating.)
So in the midst of all this, we need to parent him. It is hard to tell when he is 8 and when he is 3 because it fluxtuates. Sometimes he needs help to put shoes on, and 10 minutes later he is quite capable of doing it himself and is insulted that we tried to help.
Last night he decided that he didn't want to go to sleep. When we went and checked on him 2 hours after putting him to bed, he was sitting up playing Knex. We should have checked earlier, but one of the side effects of one his medications is a serious sedative. Normally he cannot keep his eyes open 45 min to 1 hour after he takes his meds. So we rarely have problems with him going to sleep. The PS2 was also on this morning. He was up and playing it in the middle of the night.
Has anyone dealt with a tired 3 year old? That was how our morning went. Crying and unreasonable all morning. I can't get dressed, I can't eat, I can't brush my teeth, I can't stand up, please carry me. I can't find my socks. I can't get my shoes on. I can't tie my shoes. I can't find a sweatshirt. He was also upset about wearing a pull-up. It sounds mean to put my 8 year old in a pull up for school. But when he regresses to 3 throughout the day, he has accidents. But when he's 8, he's embarrassed. Hopefully his classmates do not notice, but they might. I feel guilty and yet know it's necessary for now. We went through this last year and he was having several accidents at school too.
Last night Greg asked him if he wanted to talk about his birth mom because we know he's been missing her lately. We got a very different response last night, than we did last week. He covered his ears, and screamed that he does not want to talk about her. He doesn't want to hear about her. Please don't say her name Daddy, please daddy stop. I'm not thinking about her and I don't want to think about her. Please stop daddy.
This is why we do this. This little boy is hurting so much. He needs us, even though he tests us all day long. This is hard for us as parents, but it is not nearly as hard as his short life has been. We do not know exactly what happened to him during those first 6 years, but they were not good. Please pray for us to remember that this little boy is acting out because he is hurt and scared. Pray for Ethan that he can cope with all his hurt, fear and pain.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
The First Day of School
Having two kids with anxiety issues certainly makes life more interesting. When anticipated events come about, they are seldom carefree or easy. Today was the first day of school for 2009. Devon started Middle School, Josiah was off to fourth grade in a new building, Ethan went to second grade, and my baby started first grade. I had carefully planned and tried to anticipate this morning, and all the concerns and thrills the kids have on this exciting day. We met their teachers, we toured the schools, we already dropped off all their school supplies, so their backpacks wouldn't be so heavy. We talked about fears one-on-one. We gave lots of reassurances that things would be great. We laid out clothes, had backpacks and shoes ready to go. We even bought the "good cereal", so breakfast would be a breeze. Greg was working, but I didn't need to get out the door too, so we were hoping that things would go smoothly this morning. I don't know why I keep anticipating smooth mornings. :)
Ethan wanted to sleep with me last night, but went to bed in his own bed. He appeared in my room at 2:25am. I held him and re-assured him that I loved him, he was safe and he was staying forever. Also that mommy loves to cuddle him. (He has been at the emotional age of 3 for several days now.) He got to stay in my bed until 4:30am when he was awake and talking loudly to me about...(I can't even remember...but it was either transformers or what he would play on the playground.) He was sent back to his bed to sleep. (I am not convinced this happened.)
Devon was awake promptly at six, and I heard the shower running, which after showering last night means that he had another run-in with his enemy enuresis. (Anxiety will do that.) Not a big deal. Once again, I don't know why these things sometimes surprise me.
Once the shower was on, Sydney and Ethan were fully awake. Sydney, concerned about her hair looking studpid and that her teacher might forget her name. Ethan screaming at the top of his lungs about how excellent he is...(Ethan is great and excellent and everybody loves me, sung to a made up tune, 10 decibles higher than a talking voice, let alone, an I-just-woke-up-at-six-am-voice.) WOW!
Ethan is calmed with a hug, an I love you and meds being quickly put into his body so they can take effect very soon. It did not work, he continued to bounce off the walls and do everything but eat breakfast. Devon is pacing and lost as to where he might find his toothbrush and how to brush his teeth.
I've now realized that Josiah is not up. He decided he would rather sleep...he slowly made his way to the breakfast table after several prompts.
After many reminders, and help, we are mostly out the door for those wonderful first day pictures. Sydney smiles beautifully with her new short hair cut for back-to-school. Ethan's hand is taken and he is led to the bench for his picture. He can only do silly faces, but does make 2 attempts at smiles for the camera, instead of tongue lagging out. Devon is screaming at everyone because there was a hole in the top of the milk jug he uses to water the dogs. He now hates everyone, but especially Ethan. Did I mention he is screaming about his intense hatred, and shaking with anger. (He wasn't quite ready to smile for his back-to-school picture.) Josiah does miraculously make it out for the bus and is all smiles, even though he also had to take out the garbage and feed the dogs. Although his back-to-school haircut didn't happen yet, but certainly needs to. Devon is now somewhat regulated again, so I did get 1/2 of a smile. Then we had to do pictures with all four kids. I think I got an OK one after all the silly faces.
Then the best part of my morning. The individual hugs and reassurances that they will be great and their teachers will love them. We are now regulated, smiling and the bus pulls up. They line up from smallest to tallest and board the bus for their first day of school. At 7am I am exhausted! But I now have an 8 hour break. Yeah! :)
Ethan wanted to sleep with me last night, but went to bed in his own bed. He appeared in my room at 2:25am. I held him and re-assured him that I loved him, he was safe and he was staying forever. Also that mommy loves to cuddle him. (He has been at the emotional age of 3 for several days now.) He got to stay in my bed until 4:30am when he was awake and talking loudly to me about...(I can't even remember...but it was either transformers or what he would play on the playground.) He was sent back to his bed to sleep. (I am not convinced this happened.)
Devon was awake promptly at six, and I heard the shower running, which after showering last night means that he had another run-in with his enemy enuresis. (Anxiety will do that.) Not a big deal. Once again, I don't know why these things sometimes surprise me.
Once the shower was on, Sydney and Ethan were fully awake. Sydney, concerned about her hair looking studpid and that her teacher might forget her name. Ethan screaming at the top of his lungs about how excellent he is...(Ethan is great and excellent and everybody loves me, sung to a made up tune, 10 decibles higher than a talking voice, let alone, an I-just-woke-up-at-six-am-voice.) WOW!
Ethan is calmed with a hug, an I love you and meds being quickly put into his body so they can take effect very soon. It did not work, he continued to bounce off the walls and do everything but eat breakfast. Devon is pacing and lost as to where he might find his toothbrush and how to brush his teeth.
I've now realized that Josiah is not up. He decided he would rather sleep...he slowly made his way to the breakfast table after several prompts.
After many reminders, and help, we are mostly out the door for those wonderful first day pictures. Sydney smiles beautifully with her new short hair cut for back-to-school. Ethan's hand is taken and he is led to the bench for his picture. He can only do silly faces, but does make 2 attempts at smiles for the camera, instead of tongue lagging out. Devon is screaming at everyone because there was a hole in the top of the milk jug he uses to water the dogs. He now hates everyone, but especially Ethan. Did I mention he is screaming about his intense hatred, and shaking with anger. (He wasn't quite ready to smile for his back-to-school picture.) Josiah does miraculously make it out for the bus and is all smiles, even though he also had to take out the garbage and feed the dogs. Although his back-to-school haircut didn't happen yet, but certainly needs to. Devon is now somewhat regulated again, so I did get 1/2 of a smile. Then we had to do pictures with all four kids. I think I got an OK one after all the silly faces.
Then the best part of my morning. The individual hugs and reassurances that they will be great and their teachers will love them. We are now regulated, smiling and the bus pulls up. They line up from smallest to tallest and board the bus for their first day of school. At 7am I am exhausted! But I now have an 8 hour break. Yeah! :)
Friday, September 4, 2009
Birth mom struggles
Below is my latest struggle with Ethan. I wrote this letter to our therapist in hopes of some guidance. My mind and my heart are in disagreement with each other:
Ethan has been pretty good lately, although he has been continuing on his defiant streak. I say, "we are going into this store." and he says, "nope, i'm going over here". I take his hand and he comes with me. I tell him I love him and he says no you don't, you don't even like me. He has then been telling me many times that his birth mom loves him more and he loves her more. I don't love him and he doesn't love me, but he really loves her and he really wants to see her, etc., etc., etc. It's been constant today.
I have just been agreeing with him that she loved him and how sad it is that she couldn't take care of him. He then tells me she took better care of him because she let him play video games and go to grandmas all the time...on and on about how great she was. I just say "oh" or yep she loved you. not denying or putting her down...
So am I handling this correctly? I am feeling like he thinks she was wonderful and he's forgetting the bad stuff. Is the story that we are doing going to clear up the parts where she hurt him and didn't take care of him? I am afraid that he is going to have this idealized idea of her and seek her out and be really hurt when she doesn't want to see him or is mean to him, or it ends badly.
I feel like I'm lying to him by letting him continue to think she was this wonderful mom who can't live without him and is missing him so much. how do I handle it all? Is it OK for him to think she was great, won't that hurt him? Can he make loving bonds with us if he really thinks his birth mom is waiting for him to come home to her?
Ethan has been pretty good lately, although he has been continuing on his defiant streak. I say, "we are going into this store." and he says, "nope, i'm going over here". I take his hand and he comes with me. I tell him I love him and he says no you don't, you don't even like me. He has then been telling me many times that his birth mom loves him more and he loves her more. I don't love him and he doesn't love me, but he really loves her and he really wants to see her, etc., etc., etc. It's been constant today.
I have just been agreeing with him that she loved him and how sad it is that she couldn't take care of him. He then tells me she took better care of him because she let him play video games and go to grandmas all the time...on and on about how great she was. I just say "oh" or yep she loved you. not denying or putting her down...
So am I handling this correctly? I am feeling like he thinks she was wonderful and he's forgetting the bad stuff. Is the story that we are doing going to clear up the parts where she hurt him and didn't take care of him? I am afraid that he is going to have this idealized idea of her and seek her out and be really hurt when she doesn't want to see him or is mean to him, or it ends badly.
I feel like I'm lying to him by letting him continue to think she was this wonderful mom who can't live without him and is missing him so much. how do I handle it all? Is it OK for him to think she was great, won't that hurt him? Can he make loving bonds with us if he really thinks his birth mom is waiting for him to come home to her?
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Letting Go
I know, I know...I'm not keeping up with our family blog. The fact of the matter is things have been rough at the Van Moer house, although they are starting to look up. I learned something about myself this week and it blows my mind a little bit. I am a strict parent. I have never thought of myself as strict, but apparently I am. I expect a lot from my kids. I get a lot from Sydney and Josiah. We have not received that same level from Devon and Ethan and it has been frustrating to say the least. I know in my head that they have missed a lot and experienced a lot of things no child should experience. But in the moment, I have a hard time letting go of anything less than perfection.
We ran into a friend at the club the other day who also has 4 kids. He said, "Have you become numb yet?" He went on to explain that sometimes when his kids are fighting with each other, he doesn't even notice half the time because he has become numb. It struck me because Greg and I are constantly re-directing and involving ourselves in every wrong action, word, or attitude put out by our children. He are intolerant of anything less than perfection. I must say it it exhausting! I think our therapist has been trying to tell us this from day 1, but we have a hard time hearing it. I think I am starting to "get it". It has been exhaustion and insanity that have driven me to this.
To hold me accountable and remind myself of this decision, I am including a list of things we are letting go. This might sound unreasonable, but remember my kids have some extreme needs and these behaviors are going to have to be OK for now.
We ran into a friend at the club the other day who also has 4 kids. He said, "Have you become numb yet?" He went on to explain that sometimes when his kids are fighting with each other, he doesn't even notice half the time because he has become numb. It struck me because Greg and I are constantly re-directing and involving ourselves in every wrong action, word, or attitude put out by our children. He are intolerant of anything less than perfection. I must say it it exhausting! I think our therapist has been trying to tell us this from day 1, but we have a hard time hearing it. I think I am starting to "get it". It has been exhaustion and insanity that have driven me to this.
To hold me accountable and remind myself of this decision, I am including a list of things we are letting go. This might sound unreasonable, but remember my kids have some extreme needs and these behaviors are going to have to be OK for now.
- lying
- stealing
- table manners
- homework
- tattling constantly
- shoes tied
- going to time-out quietly
- screaming
- not listening the first 3 times
- getting ready for school in less than 1 hour
- back talk / arguing
- cleaning up after selves
- talking/singing constantly
- bad language (potty talk)
- kids parenting other kids (bossy)
That's right. We have been fighting all these battles all at once, and it's not working. These are not occasional behaviors either, these are constant all day, every day. We did try to focus on one behavior at a time that we thought was the most important.
For Ethan it was lying. It is NOT working. He "accidently" lies everyday. He lies about nothing. Ethan are you dressed? "Yes". (Still in jammies). Ethan go brush your teeth. "I did" (crusty things still hanging off lips and teeth.) Ethan did you put your clothes away? "Yep" (found that night in the corner of closet...when asked about it, Ethan screamed that he didn't do that...I personally think it was the clothes fairy.) Ethan come sit at the table for dinner. "I am" (still sitting in front of the computer in the other room.) The list is extensive and I could go on for days.
SO, we are letting those ones go. We will work on "not humming while you eat" as our first intervention. I'll try to keep you updated on how it goes. If anyone has any good ideas, we are open to them.
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