Below is my latest struggle with Ethan. I wrote this letter to our therapist in hopes of some guidance. My mind and my heart are in disagreement with each other:
Ethan has been pretty good lately, although he has been continuing on his defiant streak. I say, "we are going into this store." and he says, "nope, i'm going over here". I take his hand and he comes with me. I tell him I love him and he says no you don't, you don't even like me. He has then been telling me many times that his birth mom loves him more and he loves her more. I don't love him and he doesn't love me, but he really loves her and he really wants to see her, etc., etc., etc. It's been constant today.
I have just been agreeing with him that she loved him and how sad it is that she couldn't take care of him. He then tells me she took better care of him because she let him play video games and go to grandmas all the time...on and on about how great she was. I just say "oh" or yep she loved you. not denying or putting her down...
So am I handling this correctly? I am feeling like he thinks she was wonderful and he's forgetting the bad stuff. Is the story that we are doing going to clear up the parts where she hurt him and didn't take care of him? I am afraid that he is going to have this idealized idea of her and seek her out and be really hurt when she doesn't want to see him or is mean to him, or it ends badly.
I feel like I'm lying to him by letting him continue to think she was this wonderful mom who can't live without him and is missing him so much. how do I handle it all? Is it OK for him to think she was great, won't that hurt him? Can he make loving bonds with us if he really thinks his birth mom is waiting for him to come home to her?
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