4 weeks...

We are on week 4 on Ethan being "dis-regulated". This means he is constantly yelling, screaming, defiant, crying, throwing fits and refusing to do anything unless is hand is held. It also consists of one of two extremes with this bio. mom. He either loves her or hates her. Which he interprets as loving or hating us, because in his mind you can't love both. Yesterday he wanted his last name to be his bio. last name. Just until she forgets all about her. We assured him he would not forget her. Then he insisted that he would. He claimed that sometimes he forgets all about her, but he wants her last name until he does. This conversation continued for a full 5 minutes of going back and forth about whether he will forget her or not. We tried to change the subject several times before it worked. I know this is natural, and it's not about me, but it still breaks my heart everytime he tells me he doesn't love us and we don't love him. I know what he is saying is "I don't like me and I'm not loveable. My mom didn't even love me, why would anyone else." It is still hard not to take "I hate you" personally.

Yesterday we decided to keep him home from school. It was a mental health day. He needs some positive attention to hopefully help his regulation. He is not sleeping at night. He fights sleep, which is one of his basic needs. So he is disregualted and tired. Greg and I are at our wits end. It is too much. We can't give him enough love and attention. It feels like a bottomless pit. We hug him, hold him and spend time with him and he's still hard to be around. Yesterday was spent reading, fishing, dirt bike riding and one-on-one time. He seems a little bit better today.

Two years ago, during this season of the year, the boys were placed into foster care. 1 year after that they were told they would not ever live with their mom again. They then started the transition to our home. We think Ethan is afraid that he is going to be moved again. It is fall and his experiences of the last two years tell him that it is time to move. He is fighting attachment to us. Which is good news because it means he is attaching to us. Even though that is definately not what it feels like.

We are going to talk to his doctor about a possible medication change. We hate to say that. His moods go in phases. He'll be great for 4-6 weeks, and then a down turn for 4-6 weeks. It is crazy how you don't realize you're in the middle of a downward spin, until you are 4 weeks into it. Every minute of his days have been negative.

This is coupled with Devon's anxiety levels and pre-teen attitude issues. I ask him to do something and it's met with a snarl and snotty attitude. He is officially 12.

I also have 2 bio. kids. Josiah is doing great, he always is. Sydney spent the weekend at Grandma's house. She didn't want to come home. Because of those boys. Things are bad when your child doesn't want to be home. That was a huge red flag that things are not going well.

I miss loving my kids and being in awe of them. Last night we had dinner at Grandma's house before AWANA. Ethan was home with dad. Devon was on the phone with a friend, and I just watched Josiah and Sydney outside. They were adorable! Trying to get a ribbon over the branch of a tree. They were cooperating and being kind to each other. Watching out for each other. Sharing ideas. It was so sweet. Then Sydney started flying a kite, but running fast with only 5 feet of string. I'm missing things like this becasue I'm contantly dealing with tantruming and raging kids. I used to love being a mom, now I feel so stressed out that I'm not enjoying it.

I didn't cause my kids' raging and neither did they. I can't give up on them, and yet the temptation is there. I know that God has called us to do this. I know this is the right path, and yet we are struggling. I am thankful everyday for my friends and family who I can call crying and they lift me up by listening to my frustrations. They pray for me. They get it because they have gone through it and understand that this is a difficult road. Yet they know the commitment we have made. They are encouraging and they make me laugh. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. We will perservere through this journey. Keep the prayers coming our way, because we are in the midst of a really difficult phase.