Letting Go

I know, I know...I'm not keeping up with our family blog. The fact of the matter is things have been rough at the Van Moer house, although they are starting to look up. I learned something about myself this week and it blows my mind a little bit. I am a strict parent. I have never thought of myself as strict, but apparently I am. I expect a lot from my kids. I get a lot from Sydney and Josiah. We have not received that same level from Devon and Ethan and it has been frustrating to say the least. I know in my head that they have missed a lot and experienced a lot of things no child should experience. But in the moment, I have a hard time letting go of anything less than perfection.

We ran into a friend at the club the other day who also has 4 kids. He said, "Have you become numb yet?" He went on to explain that sometimes when his kids are fighting with each other, he doesn't even notice half the time because he has become numb. It struck me because Greg and I are constantly re-directing and involving ourselves in every wrong action, word, or attitude put out by our children. He are intolerant of anything less than perfection. I must say it it exhausting! I think our therapist has been trying to tell us this from day 1, but we have a hard time hearing it. I think I am starting to "get it". It has been exhaustion and insanity that have driven me to this.

To hold me accountable and remind myself of this decision, I am including a list of things we are letting go. This might sound unreasonable, but remember my kids have some extreme needs and these behaviors are going to have to be OK for now.

• lying
• stealing
• table manners
• homework
• tattling constantly
• shoes tied
• going to time-out quietly
• screaming
• not listening the first 3 times
• getting ready for school in less than 1 hour
• back talk / arguing
• cleaning up after selves
• talking/singing constantly
• bad language (potty talk)
• kids parenting other kids (bossy)

That's right. We have been fighting all these battles all at once, and it's not working. These are not occasional behaviors either, these are constant all day, every day. We did try to focus on one behavior at a time that we thought was the most important.

For Ethan it was lying. It is NOT working. He "accidently" lies everyday. He lies about nothing. Ethan are you dressed? "Yes". (Still in jammies). Ethan go brush your teeth. "I did" (crusty things still hanging off lips and teeth.) Ethan did you put your clothes away? "Yep" (found that night in the corner of closet...when asked about it, Ethan screamed that he didn't do that...I personally think it was the clothes fairy.) Ethan come sit at the table for dinner. "I am" (still sitting in front of the computer in the other room.) The list is extensive and I could go on for days.

SO, we are letting those ones go. We will work on "not humming while you eat" as our first intervention. I'll try to keep you updated on how it goes. If anyone has any good ideas, we are open to them.