Wednesday, September 23, 2009
oh boy...
Yesterday morning we had a 5 minute battle about flushing the toilet. Ethan couldn't do it because he was itchy. Then while waiting for the bus he dumped a bucket of rain water on Josiah's head. 1 minute before the bus showed up. I love that moment when the bus pulls away with all four kids on it. :)
Thursday, September 17, 2009
4 weeks...
We are on week 4 on Ethan being "dis-regulated". This means he is constantly yelling, screaming, defiant, crying, throwing fits and refusing to do anything unless is hand is held. It also consists of one of two extremes with this bio. mom. He either loves her or hates her. Which he interprets as loving or hating us, because in his mind you can't love both. Yesterday he wanted his last name to be his bio. last name. Just until she forgets all about her. We assured him he would not forget her. Then he insisted that he would. He claimed that sometimes he forgets all about her, but he wants her last name until he does. This conversation continued for a full 5 minutes of going back and forth about whether he will forget her or not. We tried to change the subject several times before it worked. I know this is natural, and it's not about me, but it still breaks my heart everytime he tells me he doesn't love us and we don't love him. I know what he is saying is "I don't like me and I'm not loveable. My mom didn't even love me, why would anyone else." It is still hard not to take "I hate you" personally.
Yesterday we decided to keep him home from school. It was a mental health day. He needs some positive attention to hopefully help his regulation. He is not sleeping at night. He fights sleep, which is one of his basic needs. So he is disregualted and tired. Greg and I are at our wits end. It is too much. We can't give him enough love and attention. It feels like a bottomless pit. We hug him, hold him and spend time with him and he's still hard to be around. Yesterday was spent reading, fishing, dirt bike riding and one-on-one time. He seems a little bit better today.
Two years ago, during this season of the year, the boys were placed into foster care. 1 year after that they were told they would not ever live with their mom again. They then started the transition to our home. We think Ethan is afraid that he is going to be moved again. It is fall and his experiences of the last two years tell him that it is time to move. He is fighting attachment to us. Which is good news because it means he is attaching to us. Even though that is definately not what it feels like.
We are going to talk to his doctor about a possible medication change. We hate to say that. His moods go in phases. He'll be great for 4-6 weeks, and then a down turn for 4-6 weeks. It is crazy how you don't realize you're in the middle of a downward spin, until you are 4 weeks into it. Every minute of his days have been negative.
This is coupled with Devon's anxiety levels and pre-teen attitude issues. I ask him to do something and it's met with a snarl and snotty attitude. He is officially 12.
I also have 2 bio. kids. Josiah is doing great, he always is. Sydney spent the weekend at Grandma's house. She didn't want to come home. Because of those boys. Things are bad when your child doesn't want to be home. That was a huge red flag that things are not going well.
I miss loving my kids and being in awe of them. Last night we had dinner at Grandma's house before AWANA. Ethan was home with dad. Devon was on the phone with a friend, and I just watched Josiah and Sydney outside. They were adorable! Trying to get a ribbon over the branch of a tree. They were cooperating and being kind to each other. Watching out for each other. Sharing ideas. It was so sweet. Then Sydney started flying a kite, but running fast with only 5 feet of string. I'm missing things like this becasue I'm contantly dealing with tantruming and raging kids. I used to love being a mom, now I feel so stressed out that I'm not enjoying it.
I didn't cause my kids' raging and neither did they. I can't give up on them, and yet the temptation is there. I know that God has called us to do this. I know this is the right path, and yet we are struggling. I am thankful everyday for my friends and family who I can call crying and they lift me up by listening to my frustrations. They pray for me. They get it because they have gone through it and understand that this is a difficult road. Yet they know the commitment we have made. They are encouraging and they make me laugh. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. We will perservere through this journey. Keep the prayers coming our way, because we are in the midst of a really difficult phase.
Yesterday we decided to keep him home from school. It was a mental health day. He needs some positive attention to hopefully help his regulation. He is not sleeping at night. He fights sleep, which is one of his basic needs. So he is disregualted and tired. Greg and I are at our wits end. It is too much. We can't give him enough love and attention. It feels like a bottomless pit. We hug him, hold him and spend time with him and he's still hard to be around. Yesterday was spent reading, fishing, dirt bike riding and one-on-one time. He seems a little bit better today.
Two years ago, during this season of the year, the boys were placed into foster care. 1 year after that they were told they would not ever live with their mom again. They then started the transition to our home. We think Ethan is afraid that he is going to be moved again. It is fall and his experiences of the last two years tell him that it is time to move. He is fighting attachment to us. Which is good news because it means he is attaching to us. Even though that is definately not what it feels like.
We are going to talk to his doctor about a possible medication change. We hate to say that. His moods go in phases. He'll be great for 4-6 weeks, and then a down turn for 4-6 weeks. It is crazy how you don't realize you're in the middle of a downward spin, until you are 4 weeks into it. Every minute of his days have been negative.
This is coupled with Devon's anxiety levels and pre-teen attitude issues. I ask him to do something and it's met with a snarl and snotty attitude. He is officially 12.
I also have 2 bio. kids. Josiah is doing great, he always is. Sydney spent the weekend at Grandma's house. She didn't want to come home. Because of those boys. Things are bad when your child doesn't want to be home. That was a huge red flag that things are not going well.
I miss loving my kids and being in awe of them. Last night we had dinner at Grandma's house before AWANA. Ethan was home with dad. Devon was on the phone with a friend, and I just watched Josiah and Sydney outside. They were adorable! Trying to get a ribbon over the branch of a tree. They were cooperating and being kind to each other. Watching out for each other. Sharing ideas. It was so sweet. Then Sydney started flying a kite, but running fast with only 5 feet of string. I'm missing things like this becasue I'm contantly dealing with tantruming and raging kids. I used to love being a mom, now I feel so stressed out that I'm not enjoying it.
I didn't cause my kids' raging and neither did they. I can't give up on them, and yet the temptation is there. I know that God has called us to do this. I know this is the right path, and yet we are struggling. I am thankful everyday for my friends and family who I can call crying and they lift me up by listening to my frustrations. They pray for me. They get it because they have gone through it and understand that this is a difficult road. Yet they know the commitment we have made. They are encouraging and they make me laugh. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. We will perservere through this journey. Keep the prayers coming our way, because we are in the midst of a really difficult phase.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
3 year old trapped in an 8 year old body
I have a 3 year old stuck in the body of a 8 1/2 year old. For the past two weeks Ethan has mostly been at the emotional age of a 3 year old. You must understand that he didn't get to be a normal 3 year old. His basic needs were not met when he was 3. So his behavior recesses back to when he was 3, so that hopefully those needs can be met now.
He talks like a 3 year old. He does not know how to get dressed. He cheats at all games. He steals from family members and strangers. He needs help getting his food. I dish it up and cut it up into bite size pieces. He needs lots of cuddling and words of reassurance. He is not capable of play dates and sleep overs for now, even though he wants them. He has accidents, like many 2 and 3 year olds who are learning to potty train. He holds hands, and hangs on my arm. He constantly lies. He calls us mommy and daddy. He loves to play with toys in the bathtub. He is defiant. He loves to play make-believe with figures. He gets so tired that he needs a nap. He cries. Sound like a 3 year old? I agree.
However, mixed with 3 are moments of 8 1/2. He can go to school, read like a 3rd grader, he is amazing with his math skills. He can count money and change quickly. He can tell time to the minute and tell you elapsed time. He is starting to mulitply and divide and knows addition and subtraction facts quickly. He can ride his dirt bike and take jumps. He can play games that are difficult for some adults. He has amazing Chess skills. He can plan out moves ahead of time and see many things going on in the game. He frequently beats us and his older brothers. (Even without cheating.)
So in the midst of all this, we need to parent him. It is hard to tell when he is 8 and when he is 3 because it fluxtuates. Sometimes he needs help to put shoes on, and 10 minutes later he is quite capable of doing it himself and is insulted that we tried to help.
Last night he decided that he didn't want to go to sleep. When we went and checked on him 2 hours after putting him to bed, he was sitting up playing Knex. We should have checked earlier, but one of the side effects of one his medications is a serious sedative. Normally he cannot keep his eyes open 45 min to 1 hour after he takes his meds. So we rarely have problems with him going to sleep. The PS2 was also on this morning. He was up and playing it in the middle of the night.
Has anyone dealt with a tired 3 year old? That was how our morning went. Crying and unreasonable all morning. I can't get dressed, I can't eat, I can't brush my teeth, I can't stand up, please carry me. I can't find my socks. I can't get my shoes on. I can't tie my shoes. I can't find a sweatshirt. He was also upset about wearing a pull-up. It sounds mean to put my 8 year old in a pull up for school. But when he regresses to 3 throughout the day, he has accidents. But when he's 8, he's embarrassed. Hopefully his classmates do not notice, but they might. I feel guilty and yet know it's necessary for now. We went through this last year and he was having several accidents at school too.
Last night Greg asked him if he wanted to talk about his birth mom because we know he's been missing her lately. We got a very different response last night, than we did last week. He covered his ears, and screamed that he does not want to talk about her. He doesn't want to hear about her. Please don't say her name Daddy, please daddy stop. I'm not thinking about her and I don't want to think about her. Please stop daddy.
This is why we do this. This little boy is hurting so much. He needs us, even though he tests us all day long. This is hard for us as parents, but it is not nearly as hard as his short life has been. We do not know exactly what happened to him during those first 6 years, but they were not good. Please pray for us to remember that this little boy is acting out because he is hurt and scared. Pray for Ethan that he can cope with all his hurt, fear and pain.
He talks like a 3 year old. He does not know how to get dressed. He cheats at all games. He steals from family members and strangers. He needs help getting his food. I dish it up and cut it up into bite size pieces. He needs lots of cuddling and words of reassurance. He is not capable of play dates and sleep overs for now, even though he wants them. He has accidents, like many 2 and 3 year olds who are learning to potty train. He holds hands, and hangs on my arm. He constantly lies. He calls us mommy and daddy. He loves to play with toys in the bathtub. He is defiant. He loves to play make-believe with figures. He gets so tired that he needs a nap. He cries. Sound like a 3 year old? I agree.
However, mixed with 3 are moments of 8 1/2. He can go to school, read like a 3rd grader, he is amazing with his math skills. He can count money and change quickly. He can tell time to the minute and tell you elapsed time. He is starting to mulitply and divide and knows addition and subtraction facts quickly. He can ride his dirt bike and take jumps. He can play games that are difficult for some adults. He has amazing Chess skills. He can plan out moves ahead of time and see many things going on in the game. He frequently beats us and his older brothers. (Even without cheating.)
So in the midst of all this, we need to parent him. It is hard to tell when he is 8 and when he is 3 because it fluxtuates. Sometimes he needs help to put shoes on, and 10 minutes later he is quite capable of doing it himself and is insulted that we tried to help.
Last night he decided that he didn't want to go to sleep. When we went and checked on him 2 hours after putting him to bed, he was sitting up playing Knex. We should have checked earlier, but one of the side effects of one his medications is a serious sedative. Normally he cannot keep his eyes open 45 min to 1 hour after he takes his meds. So we rarely have problems with him going to sleep. The PS2 was also on this morning. He was up and playing it in the middle of the night.
Has anyone dealt with a tired 3 year old? That was how our morning went. Crying and unreasonable all morning. I can't get dressed, I can't eat, I can't brush my teeth, I can't stand up, please carry me. I can't find my socks. I can't get my shoes on. I can't tie my shoes. I can't find a sweatshirt. He was also upset about wearing a pull-up. It sounds mean to put my 8 year old in a pull up for school. But when he regresses to 3 throughout the day, he has accidents. But when he's 8, he's embarrassed. Hopefully his classmates do not notice, but they might. I feel guilty and yet know it's necessary for now. We went through this last year and he was having several accidents at school too.
Last night Greg asked him if he wanted to talk about his birth mom because we know he's been missing her lately. We got a very different response last night, than we did last week. He covered his ears, and screamed that he does not want to talk about her. He doesn't want to hear about her. Please don't say her name Daddy, please daddy stop. I'm not thinking about her and I don't want to think about her. Please stop daddy.
This is why we do this. This little boy is hurting so much. He needs us, even though he tests us all day long. This is hard for us as parents, but it is not nearly as hard as his short life has been. We do not know exactly what happened to him during those first 6 years, but they were not good. Please pray for us to remember that this little boy is acting out because he is hurt and scared. Pray for Ethan that he can cope with all his hurt, fear and pain.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
The First Day of School
Having two kids with anxiety issues certainly makes life more interesting. When anticipated events come about, they are seldom carefree or easy. Today was the first day of school for 2009. Devon started Middle School, Josiah was off to fourth grade in a new building, Ethan went to second grade, and my baby started first grade. I had carefully planned and tried to anticipate this morning, and all the concerns and thrills the kids have on this exciting day. We met their teachers, we toured the schools, we already dropped off all their school supplies, so their backpacks wouldn't be so heavy. We talked about fears one-on-one. We gave lots of reassurances that things would be great. We laid out clothes, had backpacks and shoes ready to go. We even bought the "good cereal", so breakfast would be a breeze. Greg was working, but I didn't need to get out the door too, so we were hoping that things would go smoothly this morning. I don't know why I keep anticipating smooth mornings. :)
Ethan wanted to sleep with me last night, but went to bed in his own bed. He appeared in my room at 2:25am. I held him and re-assured him that I loved him, he was safe and he was staying forever. Also that mommy loves to cuddle him. (He has been at the emotional age of 3 for several days now.) He got to stay in my bed until 4:30am when he was awake and talking loudly to me about...(I can't even remember...but it was either transformers or what he would play on the playground.) He was sent back to his bed to sleep. (I am not convinced this happened.)
Devon was awake promptly at six, and I heard the shower running, which after showering last night means that he had another run-in with his enemy enuresis. (Anxiety will do that.) Not a big deal. Once again, I don't know why these things sometimes surprise me.
Once the shower was on, Sydney and Ethan were fully awake. Sydney, concerned about her hair looking studpid and that her teacher might forget her name. Ethan screaming at the top of his lungs about how excellent he is...(Ethan is great and excellent and everybody loves me, sung to a made up tune, 10 decibles higher than a talking voice, let alone, an I-just-woke-up-at-six-am-voice.) WOW!
Ethan is calmed with a hug, an I love you and meds being quickly put into his body so they can take effect very soon. It did not work, he continued to bounce off the walls and do everything but eat breakfast. Devon is pacing and lost as to where he might find his toothbrush and how to brush his teeth.
I've now realized that Josiah is not up. He decided he would rather sleep...he slowly made his way to the breakfast table after several prompts.
After many reminders, and help, we are mostly out the door for those wonderful first day pictures. Sydney smiles beautifully with her new short hair cut for back-to-school. Ethan's hand is taken and he is led to the bench for his picture. He can only do silly faces, but does make 2 attempts at smiles for the camera, instead of tongue lagging out. Devon is screaming at everyone because there was a hole in the top of the milk jug he uses to water the dogs. He now hates everyone, but especially Ethan. Did I mention he is screaming about his intense hatred, and shaking with anger. (He wasn't quite ready to smile for his back-to-school picture.) Josiah does miraculously make it out for the bus and is all smiles, even though he also had to take out the garbage and feed the dogs. Although his back-to-school haircut didn't happen yet, but certainly needs to. Devon is now somewhat regulated again, so I did get 1/2 of a smile. Then we had to do pictures with all four kids. I think I got an OK one after all the silly faces.
Then the best part of my morning. The individual hugs and reassurances that they will be great and their teachers will love them. We are now regulated, smiling and the bus pulls up. They line up from smallest to tallest and board the bus for their first day of school. At 7am I am exhausted! But I now have an 8 hour break. Yeah! :)
Ethan wanted to sleep with me last night, but went to bed in his own bed. He appeared in my room at 2:25am. I held him and re-assured him that I loved him, he was safe and he was staying forever. Also that mommy loves to cuddle him. (He has been at the emotional age of 3 for several days now.) He got to stay in my bed until 4:30am when he was awake and talking loudly to me about...(I can't even remember...but it was either transformers or what he would play on the playground.) He was sent back to his bed to sleep. (I am not convinced this happened.)
Devon was awake promptly at six, and I heard the shower running, which after showering last night means that he had another run-in with his enemy enuresis. (Anxiety will do that.) Not a big deal. Once again, I don't know why these things sometimes surprise me.
Once the shower was on, Sydney and Ethan were fully awake. Sydney, concerned about her hair looking studpid and that her teacher might forget her name. Ethan screaming at the top of his lungs about how excellent he is...(Ethan is great and excellent and everybody loves me, sung to a made up tune, 10 decibles higher than a talking voice, let alone, an I-just-woke-up-at-six-am-voice.) WOW!
Ethan is calmed with a hug, an I love you and meds being quickly put into his body so they can take effect very soon. It did not work, he continued to bounce off the walls and do everything but eat breakfast. Devon is pacing and lost as to where he might find his toothbrush and how to brush his teeth.
I've now realized that Josiah is not up. He decided he would rather sleep...he slowly made his way to the breakfast table after several prompts.
After many reminders, and help, we are mostly out the door for those wonderful first day pictures. Sydney smiles beautifully with her new short hair cut for back-to-school. Ethan's hand is taken and he is led to the bench for his picture. He can only do silly faces, but does make 2 attempts at smiles for the camera, instead of tongue lagging out. Devon is screaming at everyone because there was a hole in the top of the milk jug he uses to water the dogs. He now hates everyone, but especially Ethan. Did I mention he is screaming about his intense hatred, and shaking with anger. (He wasn't quite ready to smile for his back-to-school picture.) Josiah does miraculously make it out for the bus and is all smiles, even though he also had to take out the garbage and feed the dogs. Although his back-to-school haircut didn't happen yet, but certainly needs to. Devon is now somewhat regulated again, so I did get 1/2 of a smile. Then we had to do pictures with all four kids. I think I got an OK one after all the silly faces.
Then the best part of my morning. The individual hugs and reassurances that they will be great and their teachers will love them. We are now regulated, smiling and the bus pulls up. They line up from smallest to tallest and board the bus for their first day of school. At 7am I am exhausted! But I now have an 8 hour break. Yeah! :)
Friday, September 4, 2009
Birth mom struggles
Below is my latest struggle with Ethan. I wrote this letter to our therapist in hopes of some guidance. My mind and my heart are in disagreement with each other:
Ethan has been pretty good lately, although he has been continuing on his defiant streak. I say, "we are going into this store." and he says, "nope, i'm going over here". I take his hand and he comes with me. I tell him I love him and he says no you don't, you don't even like me. He has then been telling me many times that his birth mom loves him more and he loves her more. I don't love him and he doesn't love me, but he really loves her and he really wants to see her, etc., etc., etc. It's been constant today.
I have just been agreeing with him that she loved him and how sad it is that she couldn't take care of him. He then tells me she took better care of him because she let him play video games and go to grandmas all the time...on and on about how great she was. I just say "oh" or yep she loved you. not denying or putting her down...
So am I handling this correctly? I am feeling like he thinks she was wonderful and he's forgetting the bad stuff. Is the story that we are doing going to clear up the parts where she hurt him and didn't take care of him? I am afraid that he is going to have this idealized idea of her and seek her out and be really hurt when she doesn't want to see him or is mean to him, or it ends badly.
I feel like I'm lying to him by letting him continue to think she was this wonderful mom who can't live without him and is missing him so much. how do I handle it all? Is it OK for him to think she was great, won't that hurt him? Can he make loving bonds with us if he really thinks his birth mom is waiting for him to come home to her?
Ethan has been pretty good lately, although he has been continuing on his defiant streak. I say, "we are going into this store." and he says, "nope, i'm going over here". I take his hand and he comes with me. I tell him I love him and he says no you don't, you don't even like me. He has then been telling me many times that his birth mom loves him more and he loves her more. I don't love him and he doesn't love me, but he really loves her and he really wants to see her, etc., etc., etc. It's been constant today.
I have just been agreeing with him that she loved him and how sad it is that she couldn't take care of him. He then tells me she took better care of him because she let him play video games and go to grandmas all the time...on and on about how great she was. I just say "oh" or yep she loved you. not denying or putting her down...
So am I handling this correctly? I am feeling like he thinks she was wonderful and he's forgetting the bad stuff. Is the story that we are doing going to clear up the parts where she hurt him and didn't take care of him? I am afraid that he is going to have this idealized idea of her and seek her out and be really hurt when she doesn't want to see him or is mean to him, or it ends badly.
I feel like I'm lying to him by letting him continue to think she was this wonderful mom who can't live without him and is missing him so much. how do I handle it all? Is it OK for him to think she was great, won't that hurt him? Can he make loving bonds with us if he really thinks his birth mom is waiting for him to come home to her?
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